03 February 2010 @ 11:11 am
This feels so weird! I hate writing! especially for class assignments! I'm no poet and I'm no writer but I hate to sound boring which I probably do, gah!

Personal history/metahistory
Blessed to have been born and raised in the Silicon Valley, it was comfortable, modest, safe and sheltered, and I remained in that general area until I graduated high school and left all of home for Parsons. I grew up with technology fondly, falling in love with overhead projectors and sewing machines, playing games on America On-Line and watching ZOOM and Zaboomafoo. My first taste of the fine-arts in first grade was magical, healing, and the most enjoyable, and since then I'd attended bi-weekly fine-arts classes outside of school. I learned that I grew impatient with paints and heavy-handed with pencils and markers, creative with scissors and crafty with and without glue. When I didn't have glue, I'd use the sticky residue of my dinner's rice, and when I grew bored of my hair pins, I'd hand-sew more of my own. I've kept diaries consistently since I learned to write along the lines, and developed the habit of keeping a sketchbook with me almost wherever I went. I envied my brothers' Game Boy Colors and Nintendo 64 since my only high-tech gadget throughout childhood was my Tamagotchi Toy Pet. Being the eldest and only daughter of three, I spent the majority of my time growing up by myself and on my own, inside my room while my brothers ran outside with friends. My little world expanded dramatically after I taught myself to code simple websites and make complex graphics on my uncle's Photoshop 6. Inordinate amounts of my time after school were devoted to exploring the World Wide Web and collecting photos and scans of magazines that my parents wouldn't let me subscribe to. I picked up photography upon entering high school and only made one group of friends once, preferring instead to have a couple here and there to avoid any and all teenage social drama. I never got a job and never learned to drive, so I had few possessions and saw few friends outside of school and church. My first team and work-place environment was the school's yearbook class that gave me my first glimpse and experience of the perfect harmonic alignments of all things in InDesign, frantic deadlines, and unending proofs. Yearbook camp of 2007 showed me how far ahead my school's yearbook was in terms of design and concept (compared to the 20 or so other schools all throughout California), so with confidence, I applied to Parsons the New School of Design, focused my Parsons Challenge on the simple goldfish, and picked myself up out of the fishbowl of Fremont and into the sea that is New York City. (wow sooo corny)

The assignment was interesting though. Tibor Kalman's personal/metahistory piece completely suffocates mine hehe it is so cute
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Current Music: Russ Columbo
 
 
28 January 2010 @ 11:20 pm
I'm taking a senior thesis preparation class )

with only 6 other people, and I'm the only sophomore and fashion design major. Aweeeesome
BTW REAL QUICK doodle update. The white scans are from last year though.

Today I made a new friend, a sophomore at Lang also from the Bay Area, in my [dis]order & [in]justice/global issues class. Liberal arts classes are so full of curious. Ok, curious will never be a noun to you but it is for meee.. for ever and always
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Current Mood: rushed
Current Music: X&Y
 
 
26 January 2010 @ 05:11 am
I am learning to appreciate good habits. I love that they develop out of purpose and persistence and then become almost natural. They strengthen into thoughtless action and still leave no room of mind for apathy. I love the simplicity that they are formed in place of bad habits; bad habits that are destructive and discouraging and cancerous and wasting. Tehehee
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Current Location: nyc
Current Music: Nat King Cole
 
 
03 January 2010 @ 03:21 am
My younger brother was surprised when I told him that I wouldn't consider my roommate to be my best friend. He asked me why I'm living with someone who isn't my best friend when she would be the one person I end up spending the most time with. I couldn't figure out how to respond, so I made up some sort of reasonable explanation. It wasn't really reasonable because it wasn't true, and I'm still thinking about that and why it is I'm so reluctant to truly and actively invest in friendships with the people who choose to love me first.
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Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Shunji Iwai- Arabesque
 
 
30 December 2009 @ 06:22 am
The end of this second semester sucked like a vacuum. Drowned my own laptop, became a victim of identity theft (lol sigh), didn't get ANY presents for ANYONE, almost didn't satisfactorily complete 2/4 of my final projects. My most admired teacher (not my most admired teacher, talent-wise) told me that I will need to learn to be content with my work [even] when it's not completely satisfactory to my own criticisms, or simply lower my standards to just.. manage, for now. That makes sense, why don't I make any sense. I still take so much time with every little thing (except sometimes, speaking), but outside of my head that is generally not a good thing.


by http://www.mariandrews.com
I don't know what these are or what they mean or what my reaction is to them. Hahahahaha cute cute

What bothers me TO NO END is the fact that even though I've safely saved every single image/data/music/video file onto my external hard drive, I've lost the 2000+ bookmarked portfolios/articles/interviews/blogs that I've gathered during this entire past year. When will I learn! This transition from print to digital that my world is going through is frustrating. My head feels unsafe and very scattered.

I love my baby bunny Matthew so so much, she makes me hope that I will someday have a child/children idk. hahah
I also love biographies. Pointless little vignettes, out-of-the-ordinary characters, strange photographic portraits. People within the context of their entire lives and sometimes taken lightly from them. I'm drawn to them, absorbed by them, grown with them in mind. EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My winter break project prompt is centered on cultural heritages, something about nationality or culture or some junk like that. .. Cultural heritage? Nationality? I could abstract some concept of a subculture from that combination, couldn't I.. but even with subcultures, ummmmmm. Haha I don't feel I belong anywhere really. Superficially maybe, but what's the point in that.
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Current Location: ca
Current Mood: strange
Current Music: Cantaloup
 
 
13 December 2009 @ 11:18 pm
My roommate gives me so much attitude that is always completely uncalled for. She never steps down from her high and mighty throne of prescribed happy-meds, anti-christianity sentiment, and self-glorification of unending sacrifice.
The majority of her tone of voice and respect to me is that I'm just a joke she's permanently stuck with. I really just cannot stand her attitude towards me.
She truly believes that she deserves so much better than what she currently has and maybe that's true. In her eyes, I'm incredibly immature and irresponsible, unlucky and as dumb as dirt. ... I know I'm not that terrible.
But I also know that at one point in my life I was as proud and arrogant as she was and that I had the same, if not worse, attitude towards my parents that she has towards me. I wonder for how long I'll put myself up to dealing with her whining, grudges, and silent treatments. For some reason I'm still willing to live with her next year even though she makes me want to weep in rage and tear up all her tights. It's biting cold outside and she still wears only tights and shorts. wow.
Sometimes I wish she'd kill me/herself like she always says she will, drop out, or go ahead and just ditch me as a friend, but after all of that foolishness I really just hope that sooner or later, she'll come around to being happy. Happy like Lina is happy. Happy like my family makes me happy. Happy like the only happiness in the world. ... Happy's such an ugly looking word..
What angers me the most is that while she's so competitive with attention and better-ness, it's always about who had the worse day, who slept the least, who spent more time in the lab, who has more work to do. Whoever has more problems or frustrations deserves more respect and awe (it couldn't possibly ever be me), and it makes absolutely no sense at all.
Sigh. Let me never run out of patience for her because I would very much appreciate the same.
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Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Ofrin- How come
 
 
08 December 2009 @ 02:11 am
Haven't said much in a while..

I want out of this non-stop destructive cycle! Every new week is exactly the same as the last! Day to day, hour to hour! I don't even understand how I finally managed to keep a regular cycle of living with my circadian rhythm disorder (haha, seriously), but it doesn't feel healthy at all. It feels like a test of mental, emotional, physical, spiritual survival every day for every week. With each week I get through level-headed enough, genuine satisfaction feels more and more dry. Dry like salt, but salt's a different story. It's not time or food or sleep or grades or social status (because I have none and that's cool with me) or clothes or having fun (I don't have fun) or learning even. I need light, positive, uplifting, joy.

I've got to stop sitting here thinking about what I wish I could think about, which is a little strange. This week is going to drive me insAAAne. I don't really think I've ever experienced an anxiety attack before, but I feel I am getting pretty close to knowing how terrorizing anxiety actually feels. Actually, no, I'm pretty good at being mellow when I'm not supposed to be. One person told me to stop looking so damn somber and another that I had a very stoic expression for a young..girl.. person. Pah. I don't/can't even think straight anymore. I have to constantly write down notes and lists in books to keep track of the very important, normal, and unimportant things that I need to care about. I can't even keep up with them all, more than half the things in my lists never get crossed out until months later :'( It's not apathy, I promise! Please don't hate me

I want to lie down and rest.
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Current Music: Ofrin, Coldplay, A Fine Frenzy
 
 
24 November 2009 @ 12:41 am
There is a spool of white translucent threads that spins from random directions, hovering above my 'thoughts' when I'm neither fully awake nor fully asleep. It's large in appearance but weightless otherwise, finally heavier as I wake as its threads gain more weight, becoming more real. It is the most pleasant, satisfied, and contented state I am evverrrr in when the spool is perfectly weightless and clear. I hate being awake, it causes me so much distress!

some recent doodles )

http://www.wimp.com/massivesnails
so... weird. I would not like those on my arm.

This birthday was the first time I can remember ever not being sick on my birthday! Wait that doesn't make sense. I just mean that I wasn't sick on my birthday for once in my life and it felt very nice.
 
 
Current Music: air remember
 
 
22 October 2009 @ 02:09 am
I really just need a baked potato today
BLHAHewhdjaf;jwd


What a sorry rose
I have so much to read tomorrow. I've got to call my mother back soon. I've still got to buy myself a chair. Why is Wendy's so far away!?!!!!!

Just made myself an omu-rice. rice omlette? omlette with rice. Man, I miss the home of my old and boring everydays
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Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: vivaldi
 
 
19 October 2009 @ 11:47 pm

http://www.jinjoohwang.com/6

"'Not to find one's way in a city may well be uninteresting and banal. It requires ignorance- nothing more,' says the twentieth-century philosopher-essayist Walter Benjamin. 'But to lose oneself in a city- as one loses oneself in a forest- that calls for quite a different schooling.' To lose yourself: a voluptuous surrender, lost in your arms, lost to the world, utterly immersed in what is present so that its surroundings fade away. In Benjamin's terms, to be lost is to be fully present, and to be fully present is to be capable of being in uncertainty and mystery. And one does not get lost but loses oneself, with the implication that it is a conscious choice, a chosen surrender, a psychic state achievable through geography."
Rebecca Solnit: A Field Guide to Getting Lost

"It is a surprising and memorable, as well as valuable experience, to be lost in the woods any time. Often in a snow-storm, even by day, one will come out upon a well-known road and yet find it impossible to tell which way leads to the village. Though he knows that he has travelled it a thousand times, he cannot recognize a feature in it, but it is as strange to him as if it were a road in Siberia. By night, of course, the perplexity is infinitely greater. In our most trivial walks, we are constantly, though unconsciously, steering like pilots by certain well-known beacons and headlands, and if we go beyond our usual course we still carry in our minds the bearing of some neighboring cape; and not till we are completely lost, or turned round — for a man needs only to be turned round once with his eyes shut in this world to be lost — do we appreciate the vastness and strangeness of nature. Every man has to learn the points of compass again as often as he awakes, whether from sleep or any abstraction. Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations."
Henry David Thoreau: Walden
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Current Mood: passive
Current Music: J'ai dormi sous l'eau