I feel like I'm five years old again. Drinking smoothies and eating ice cream all day, to help soothe my burning, aching throat. Then, it was to ease the pain from my tonsillectomy. I finally got mononucleosis (last Monday)! This list of illnesses is getting to be unattractively long -__-

I don't mean this for anybody but myself. I re-read my livejournal and diaries once- ok. twice or three times- in a while, so this I think, will be good for me. I suppose that it'd also be good for me to actually be thoroughly honest to those who actually read my entries/care, once in a while haha.

(If you're gonna read it, you'd better read all of it)

( This is an e-mail/letter that I wrote to one of my church/college Christian fellowship small group members, Grace Rhee. )

Up is Down (1969) written, designed, and directed by Millie Goldsholl

Those experts, treatments, and opposite views are absolutely terrifying!$K JR3ltaekdlf

toothpastefordinner.com

Lol. I know this old comic is supposed to make fun of early birds but I can't help but see it the other way as well (true loser/loner in me)
...
WHY has this thought not occurred to me before?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???? Am I really that plain stupid?!?! -_-.
I genuinely enjoyed waking up ever so slowly to go grocery shopping alone before drawing class (the one time I ever did wake up extremely early).. so then why has it never occured to me that I could actually enjoy that every day? ugh sigh Lol

Better late than never :) aha

Time to finish everything I've ever started.. if I can

edit-
I feel that I am more constricted in being myself at home than I am in being myself in New York. That might be an obvious thought I shouldn't even have to point out to anyone or myself, but I didn't think that I would come home to realize that I'm lonelier here now than I ever was before. And I didn't think that that was supposed to happen, but maybe that's supposed to be obvious and obviously inevitable, too.

Not having my license is a definite part of it. Not having made myself really available or communicable this past year is a definite part of it. There's a lot, going back to a lot more, that is all a definite part of it. The way I am and the way I am not is a definite part of it, but I'm still a little bit confused and troubled by this all.

( mini doodle update )

I wonder for how long this will be the exact description of my life

Wow. I'm on livejournal surfing, avoiding facebook, and on gtalk chatting, avoiding gmail. And I'm on my laptop procrastinating, avoiding SLEEP. Why am I just so incredibly messed up?

Today at 2AM, I reminisced about eating so many bagels in New York. We'd all sit at out computers, eating bagels and drinking juice/coffee during break of morning classes, getting the last bit of our projects finished as if it was some retarded Parsons ritual. So I made myself a cream cheese and jelly bagel. I named half of it Mapi after Mapi's and the other half of it Murray after Murray's, and ate it with the Kool-Aid I found in the fridge. I'm so bad at telling stories.

Nothing really excites me anymore. I'm so unexcited about things I should be excited about. Not that I'm uninspired, but that my heart is just kind of drooping now. This is small and all this is no good, I know. I only want to go on a very long train ride with someone as aloof as I am.

It's crazy how disasters like the crash of Air France flight 447 still occur. Reading about it feels strange, as if it really couldn't and shouldn't have happened, even though it did in that small possibility that it could. And when I keep thinking about airplanes and crashes and then the sky and the sea, it makes me feel so weary because I think that that kind of fate, of being both peaceful and destructive, is a really pretty sort of tragedy.


Snapped a photo on my flight back to California (during spring break, when my flight arrived at 5 in the morning) This is my dream world! Endless clouds upon clouds under the entire open and empty sky

Anyway, my home here is so still. Nothing really has changed at all, and I guess I actually depend on and find comfort in that.

This is an old post from crushes

g,
I realized the other day, that when I’m around you is the only time I really smile. And I don’t just smile. I have this closet full of smiles that I’d never had good reason to use before. When I’m around other people, I smile when I know I should be smiling. But with you, I smile because I couldn’t do anything else, even if I wanted to.
— s

that is not, but could be, mine

Aw, I really did miss being on AIM. I was always online in high school, didn't really have a life outside of it (ok. at all), but this year it's been the complete opposite. Not that I had a NYC Parsons party student social life, haha ew no, but I really spent my year the complete opposite of what I used to do for years before. I almost never went on AIM, only checked Facebook like once a week and then never replied to anyone's messages until months after, literally bingeing&purging on comments/wallposts, haha. It's so weird. Such a complete difference, I really don't even understand how it turned out that way, but I'm so glad to finally know how much I missed chatting on AIM. hahahah. corny. I can finally go back and chat online at home just like I used to a year ago (with the people who still aren't home yet or in NY, I guess lol) aww hahahahaha :) I still need to overcome my phone-phobia though.. Gahrhalksdjf too difficult and nerve-wracking. And I don't think anyone would want to put up with so much awkwardness in one phone call just to help me out. Not being able to see someone's face while trying to really speak to them is still SO DIFFICULT. I never know when I should start speaking, because I can't tell when they're pausing or finishing their thought.!!! hahahhaa At least online they have the "-- is typing. / -- has entered text." hahahha I had a really cool conversation with an english major today. So.. funky

I'M FINALLY BOARDING AFTER WAITING 23.25 HOURS AHHH YESESSYEYEYSYSES

I need to brush my teeeeeethh but the restroom water here is so strange. There are so many people sitting around me now, it makes me feel like a complete dork when they watch me play on Typeracer :( I am SO JITTERY. Too much Dunkin' Donuts coffee. For the past ... four hours, I've been forcing myself to stay on Facebook doing whatever I could to stay awake, chatting with a couple of awesome people online, video chatting with my mother/brother, and listening to the same song on repeat. My back/butt/calves are aching, my stomach's viciously growling, and my eyelids are droop droop droop droop droop droop drooooping.

But I'm having a very good time. AHahahah yeah. 7 more hours to go!!! It'll be fine, I think I'll doodle some more now.