CLAZZONE

on opposites that unwillingly attract

2009-12-14T04:18:16Z

My roommate gives me so much attitude that is always completely uncalled for. She never steps down from her high and mighty throne of prescribed happy-meds, anti-christianity sentiment, and self-glorification of unending sacrifice.
The majority of her tone of voice and respect to me is that I'm just a joke she's permanently stuck with. I really just cannot stand her attitude towards me.
She truly believes that she deserves so much better than what she currently has and maybe that's true. In her eyes, I'm incredibly immature and irresponsible, unlucky and as dumb as dirt. ... I know I'm not that terrible.
But I also know that at one point in my life I was as proud and arrogant as she was and that I had the same, if not worse, attitude towards my parents that she has towards me. I wonder for how long I'll put myself up to dealing with her whining, grudges, and silent treatments. For some reason I'm still willing to live with her next year even though she makes me want to weep in rage and tear up all her tights. It's biting cold outside and she still wears only tights and shorts. wow.
Sometimes I wish she'd kill me/herself like she always says she will, drop out, or go ahead and just ditch me as a friend, but after all of that foolishness I really just hope that sooner or later, she'll come around to being happy. Happy like Lina is happy. Happy like my family makes me happy. Happy like the only happiness in the world. ... Happy's such an ugly looking word..
What angers me the most is that while she's so competitive with attention and better-ness, it's always about who had the worse day, who slept the least, who spent more time in the lab, who has more work to do. Whoever has more problems or frustrations deserves more respect and awe (it couldn't possibly ever be me), and it makes absolutely no sense at all.
Sigh. Let me never run out of patience for her because I would very much appreciate the same.

cold winter blowing wild

2009-12-08T07:11:50Z

Haven't said much in a while..

I want out of this non-stop destructive cycle! Every new week is exactly the same as the last! Day to day, hour to hour! I don't even understand how I finally managed to keep a regular cycle of living with my circadian rhythm disorder (haha, seriously), but it doesn't feel healthy at all. It feels like a test of mental, emotional, physical, spiritual survival every day for every week. With each week I get through level-headed enough, genuine satisfaction feels more and more dry. Dry like salt, but salt's a different story. It's not time or food or sleep or grades or social status (because I have none and that's cool with me) or clothes or having fun (I don't have fun) or learning even. I need light, positive, uplifting, joy.

I've got to stop sitting here thinking about what I wish I could think about, which is a little strange. This week is going to drive me insAAAne. I don't really think I've ever experienced an anxiety attack before, but I feel I am getting pretty close to knowing how terrorizing anxiety actually feels. Actually, no, I'm pretty good at being mellow when I'm not supposed to be. One person told me to stop looking so damn somber and another that I had a very stoic expression for a young..girl.. person. Pah. I don't/can't even think straight anymore. I have to constantly write down notes and lists in books to keep track of the very important, normal, and unimportant things that I need to care about. I can't even keep up with them all, more than half the things in my lists never get crossed out until months later :'( It's not apathy, I promise! Please don't hate me

I want to lie down and rest.

healthier

2009-11-24T05:41:56Z

There is a spool of white translucent threads that spins from random directions, hovering above my 'thoughts' when I'm neither fully awake nor fully asleep. It's large in appearance but weightless otherwise, finally heavier as I wake as its threads gain more weight, becoming more real. It is the most pleasant, satisfied, and contented state I am evverrrr in when the spool is perfectly weightless and clear. I hate being awake, it causes me so much distress!

http://www.wimp.com/massivesnails
so... weird. I would not like those on my arm.

This birthday was the first time I can remember ever not being sick on my birthday! Wait that doesn't make sense. I just mean that I wasn't sick on my birthday for once in my life and it felt very nice.

potato

2009-10-22T06:49:40Z

I really just need a baked potato today
BLHAHewhdjaf;jwd

What a sorry rose
I have so much to read tomorrow. I've got to call my mother back soon. I've still got to buy myself a chair. Why is Wendy's so far away!?!!!!!

Just made myself an omu-rice. rice omlette? omlette with rice. Man, I miss the home of my old and boring everydays

this is how i feel

2009-10-20T03:50:14Z

http://www.jinjoohwang.com/6

"'Not to find one's way in a city may well be uninteresting and banal. It requires ignorance- nothing more,' says the twentieth-century philosopher-essayist Walter Benjamin. 'But to lose oneself in a city- as one loses oneself in a forest- that calls for quite a different schooling.' To lose yourself: a voluptuous surrender, lost in your arms, lost to the world, utterly immersed in what is present so that its surroundings fade away. In Benjamin's terms, to be lost is to be fully present, and to be fully present is to be capable of being in uncertainty and mystery. And one does not get lost but loses oneself, with the implication that it is a conscious choice, a chosen surrender, a psychic state achievable through geography."
Rebecca Solnit: A Field Guide to Getting Lost

"It is a surprising and memorable, as well as valuable experience, to be lost in the woods any time. Often in a snow-storm, even by day, one will come out upon a well-known road and yet find it impossible to tell which way leads to the village. Though he knows that he has travelled it a thousand times, he cannot recognize a feature in it, but it is as strange to him as if it were a road in Siberia. By night, of course, the perplexity is infinitely greater. In our most trivial walks, we are constantly, though unconsciously, steering like pilots by certain well-known beacons and headlands, and if we go beyond our usual course we still carry in our minds the bearing of some neighboring cape; and not till we are completely lost, or turned round — for a man needs only to be turned round once with his eyes shut in this world to be lost — do we appreciate the vastness and strangeness of nature. Every man has to learn the points of compass again as often as he awakes, whether from sleep or any abstraction. Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations."
Henry David Thoreau: Walden

2010

2009-09-24T17:11:34Z

2010 Basso&Brooke and assorted Bora Aksu

because my external hard drive is only mac-compatible at the moment :(

no day is like any other

2009-09-13T03:37:32Z

Fucus vesiculosus var. linearis
from
Ocean Flowers: Anna Atkins's Cyanotypes of British Algae

Embryonic stars in the Small Magellanic Cloud and nebula NGC 346
from
Terry Hope's Spacecam

Tonight, I am going to:
bake and eat my sweet potato with my saltine crackers and goober, clip and take the color off of my nails, wash and intensely condition my hair, change the bandage on my disgusting toe, finish painting all 25 croquis, plan my day of errands tomorrow, email my teachers, download some more folktronica/psychadelic folk, scan some more books, search for chairs on craigslist, browse the WWD, WGSN, and NYPL digital galleries before I go to bed, fall asleep watching The Life Aquatic, and sleep at least 5 hours from a pleasantly exhausting day.

syllabi

2009-08-27T22:17:08Z

Hello hello. Here are a few spreads from the moleskine I'm trying to fill up to give to Brian. Hadn't done much art or anything over the summer, but I didn't completely give into the laziness either.

I have to continually remind myself that there is no discipline in using a pencil.

Finally getting internet soon!!!! Sooj and I are almost fully moved in. All I need now are random wooden chairs and red desk legs from Ikea.

colors

2009-08-15T10:01:49Z

The most beloved of my favorite colors, found in the deserts of Saudi Arabia.
http://www.princeton.edu/artofscience/gallery2006/view.php%3Fid=21.html

In science and art combined are what I believe to be the most beautiful things

Circadian rhythm sleep disorder, delayed sleep phase type

2009-08-14T07:29:55Z

Sigh.
Every single website I've read on Delayed sleep-phase syndrome (DSPS) has been a complete matching description of everything I've been curious about regarding my retarded sleeping schedule/habits. They've only gotten worse by every passing year. It's funny, I never even thought that such a syndrome would exist, or that I would actually have it. I'm 100% completely sure that I've had DSPS for the past 7 years of my life, at LEAST. It's so interesting. I'd probably be diagnosed with a severe case, hahaha. I wonder if it being a circadian rhythm sleep disorder has anything to do with the surgery I had when I was 3. I really am not normal at all yeyyy

What is Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS)?
It is a disorder in which the major sleep episode is delayed by 2 or more hours of the desired bedtime. This causes difficulty awakening at the desired time.

What are the symptoms?
* Complaint of insomnia or excessive sleepiness
* inability to fall asleep at the desired time
* inability to wake up at the desired time
* Depression may be present
* This sleep pattern has been present for 3 months
source: http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/delayed.html

DSPS patients are typically unable to fall asleep before 2 a.m., regardless of how early they got up the previous day or how tired they may be. For some, it is impossible to sleep before 6 or 7 a.m.

Some people with DSPS manage to function on a few hours' sleep a night during the working week, then "catch up" by sleeping excessively at the weekend. But their ability to think clearly often suffers, and the irregular sleep-wake pattern is likely to have long-term consequences.

Some DSPS people are on occasion able to rise early for a few days at a time. But typically they are not able to perform well on this schedule, and they would not be able to keep this up on a consistent basis over a longer period of time. Also, such a temporary change can "confuse" the body's circadian clock, resulting in an erratic circadian rhythm and making it difficult to return to the previous regular schedule.

Many people with this disorder deny the existence of a problem and refuse to accept that they may not be suited for a 9-to-5 lifestyle. This denial often is encouraged by friends and relatives claiming there is no such problem as DSPS and accusing the DSPS individual of "just being lazy" or lacking will power. (haha sigh.. aka mother)
source: http://dspsinfo.tripod.com

People with DSPS tend to be extreme night owls. They feel most alert and say they function best and are most creative in the evening and at night. DSPS patients cannot simply force themselves to sleep early. They may toss and turn for hours in bed, and sometimes not sleep at all, before reporting to work or school.
source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_syndrome

Funny how I stumbled upon information about DSPS at all.. I actually was stumbling, hahaha. I love my StumbleUpon bar!

finally got the internet from my brothers

2009-08-13T08:38:09Z

I don't really know why I am so 'MIA,' or maybe I just can't explain it because I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't make sense to me either. The point to the jumble in my head is that now, I probably have the most catching up to do (on the internet) that I have ever had.. to do? I've got some photos to help fill in though, eheh. Not good enough, I know. It's so dumb that going on the internet, tumblr, facebook, whatever, always ends up making me so angry and apathetic about.. almost everyone, including myself. It doesn't make any senseeee help meee

First, there is the milk

Then there is the fun

Here are the bruises I got after I fell and scraped my arm against the edge of a table. Just because the floor was slippery and I am a klutz.
None of that junk behind me is mine!

That's not my bed frame. I wish I could get a bed frame. Actually, no, I don't really care.

It's really too quiet

Not interesting at all

So dull. Baldwin Beach at Lake Tahoe is great.

they took 3 tubes of blood

2009-06-30T06:44:57Z

I feel like I'm five years old again. Drinking smoothies and eating ice cream all day, to help soothe my burning, aching throat. Then, it was to ease the pain from my tonsillectomy. I finally got mononucleosis (last Monday)! This list of illnesses is getting to be unattractively long -__-

Accountability

2009-06-28T10:24:44Z

I don't mean this for anybody but myself. I re-read my livejournal and diaries once- ok. twice or three times- in a while, so this I think, will be good for me. I suppose that it'd also be good for me to actually be thoroughly honest to those who actually read my entries/care, once in a while haha.

(If you're gonna read it, you'd better read all of it)

GRACE RHEE GRACE RHEE GRACE RHEE

Ready. Set. Go.

I'm so sorry that I hadn't emailed you back sooner,... it's been a couple weeks already, hasn't it?? ughh. I'm so sorry. I know that I'm a terrible friend, I'm just so bad at everything and I'm just horrible with owning up to my responsibilities. I don't know how I could go on missions this summer. I'm so frightened. I'm so scared. I'm so weak, and I know that I am so sososososo little without God's power in me, and I know that I am never for the better when I am without Him in my life and in my heart.

What the eff is wrong with me right now?? I'm so jittery and I've completely lost my appetite-- I lost 5 pounds here (woopee, back to where I was before I left for college), because I got sick and I'm just so uninterested in everything, and I just wanted to write to you because I... yeah. I just want to tell you, I guess. I really miss you, and I really hope you've been happy happy good good since the last time I heard from you, that you've tanned, and that you've been growing growing growing and oh my gosh I just want to cry right now.

My summer's been terrible and I haven't done anything so far- yet whatever. I don't even want to see most of my old friends (I only really desparately want to see a couple of them..) because it's harder than I expected it to really really really care (actually, it's probably the other way around, I'm always a hassle when it comes to meeting up, considering I can't drive and I always feel like I'm just a tagalong whenever convenient), and don't feel like it's worth it compared to what I should be doing right now, and could be doing instead. I should be growing and praying and disciplining myself, educating myself, humbling myself, fundraising, acting out, being alive alive alive;aklewjklfadsfadskfj I don't even know, but I can't say that I've wasted my time here, no, but I know that I should have put an end to all the nothingness I've been doing at a sooner time. I'm not even sure that I could stop that nothingness today or tomorrow or right now because I'm so afraid that nothing ever changes regarding my habits and attitudes. I dont' know whats wrong with me, but I know that I have to change. I have to. What am I doing trying to go on missions if I can't prepare myself for it??

EVERYTHING IS SO DRY. WHY is everything so dry?!!!!! My attention, my interests, my throat, my mouth (in regards to what I speak), my ears (in regards to what I hear), my sight (in regards to what I see in everything I used to see so vividly), my passion, my will, my thought, my actions, my words, my friendships (not all. I feel like I only want to see a couple of people while I'm here at home, and dozens of people back in NY), my wallet, my support, my character, jkl;tawej afljdsflk ajskldfjaklsdj My faith isn't dry. My sense of wonder and curiosity isn't dry. My faith is thirsting (yeah w/e I'm gonna make it a verb haha), but it's not dry. But that's it, isn't it? I know this might sound ridiculous and out of the blue, but maybe this is what summer does to me when I lose all sight of my responsibilities and time management? I want to go back, but I know that's the easy way out, and the easy thing to say.

The only only only thing that appeals to me now is my new baby bunny, who I've been treating as literally, my baby, and the fact that regardless of whether I'll be going on missions or not, the fact that I'll have to fly back to NYC on July 6th and get away from everything here. I start to remember why it is that I wanted to go to school in NY and why it is that I was so desperate to start anew in college. I won't say much about that now because it'd seem cruel even though it's not so much anymore. I still spend time with my parents and family, but I talk to my rabbit more often than I talk to my brothers! It's always been that way, and this THIRST is just making it worse than it should be. I genuinely want my summer and their summer to be memorable, but I've been doing the worst job at following through.

Where is my heart in all of this? Genuine love, curiosity, conviction, and fear that I used to know so well? Is my heart as paper thin as the pages I try to capture it all on in writing? Is it that easy to break and tear and so wrenching to see myself try to put it back together in absolute vain? What in the world am I saying, I sound like an idiot and a fool, and I guess that's what I really am. A fool, a fool a fool a fool a fool, a fool and a broken little girl, and I don't know why. I thought I grew out of that all a little while back. Then again, I never change. I dont' understand what it is with myself that causes- or doesn't cause, CHANGE. It's not that my heart hasn't changed, wow no. My little heart has gone through incredible changes, on and off, on and off, repeatedly, desperately, painfully, neededly, and blessedly so so so many times.. I just don't understand, that despite all the ups and downs and falling and healing that I've known so well, my habit, my irresponsibility, my lack of follow-through, my foolishness, my fright, my doubt of self.. all still comes back to break me over and over again. And I know those are self-inflicted. Blessings aren't self-inflicted, but breakings are, and I dont' know why I continue to get myself stuck in the same little ditches and graves that I absolutely hate, so much.

Not to say that I don't ever have a joyful heart, nonotanlweka ;lkf noooooo Oh my gosh, no, my greatest joys are always in my head and my heart, when I can't help but to pray and just pour out my heart to God, when I see little quirks and reoccurring patterns around me, when the littlest things are good and gold, and when nothing's too great but perfect to my likings. I get the greatest joys from the simplest things, and nothing worldly could make me so pleased, and I know that and I love it. But but but still, I don't know why I'm such a foolish girl- why I can't take advantage of the opportunities that are placed right in front of me to.. take advantage of! Nothing is obvious to me, and I'm always oblivious, even though I'm pretty well aware of things that I should be aware about, I think. Does that even make sense????

I'm really blessed if you've read this far down, hahahaha, and I'm so thankful that you said that you would say you'd pray for me but you can't because you haven't even been praying for yourself. It's just so honest, and I understand that too well. I hope you have been praying for yourself after you sent that email, I really do. I have been praying, but lately I find that it's been for myself and all the blessings that I've been given (that's so selfish, isn't it?), not of my mission team, or small group members, or friends, or family, or other mission teams, even though I should be and why shouldn't I be? I don't even know- am I just not worried about them? Why should I have to be worried about someone to want to pray for them.. that's dumb. I think I'm most worried about myself, though. Worried to death. It sounds funny, but after taking so much care of my new baby bunny, I finally understand why my parents were so ridiculously overprotective and strict on me while I was growing up...

I don't know why I pull myself away from everyone so much, the way that I do. I was thinking about it in my dream the other night, that when people jump off of bridges, mostly, they must do it at night at the times of 2-5am. Those are the loneliest times of the night... and no one would see them to keep them from jumping. So, I don't know why I'm constantly awake then, it seems like I've become so comfortable at those times of night that the loneliness doesn't bother me at all, it's just become something that I've grown to be fond of very much. The quietness, the stillness, it feels like lost time.

I would very much like to throw myself off of a bridge right now. Not to die, not to get hurt in the end, but to fall. Just to fall, to feel myself falling, completely unrestricted. There's just something about moving forward (or any which way) while being still and not having to do anything. There's just something about it that I absolutely love. It's why I love roadtrips and trainrides so much.

..But I don't know why I said that. I honestly feel like I'm writing in my diary, rather than writing a letter to you, I'm sorry! Point of this all, I guess, is just to show you how terrified I am that I'm so concerned with the financial-aspects of going on missions trips, of which I'll have to leave for in a week... and how terrified I am that if that's all that I've been worrying about-- where is my heart in all of this?? Obviously in a place it shouldn't be, right? And I talked to a friend really briefly about this, too, and he was just so nicely blunt to me, and I could tell that he didn't want to scare me but just be honest with me, but it does scare me that this is the way that I feel right now. Maybe in a couple of hours it'll change, and maybe after I leave it'll change, but right now, I'm just terrified, and I think maybe it's not the good kind.

I fear God so much (I know that that's good, but I don't know if this is good), and i just feel like I'm bound to experience His wrath at me for not owning up to my responsibilities in wanting to go on missions for Him, and I feel like I'm not afraid of the financial-aspect, either. I'm not worrying about how much people are sending me, and I feel like I have this doubt in my mind that people aren't going to be able to send me enough- but that's terrible, too, because I also know (oh so comfortably~ ... so terrible!) that God will provide everything for me, if and as He wills it. BUT that's the thing that I'm also afraid of, then, the question of whether or not God really wants me on this missions trip.. in a week.. when honestly, I need so much growth and discipline and healing before I can even think or prepare myself for ... spreading the freaking Gospel and helping affect lives and hearts of college students in Switzerland. I'm afraid that even though I had a huge heart for wanting to go on missions before, to want to spread His love and just to be able to share with others His grace, that my immaturity as a Christian is what He's having me realize now before it's time to go.

I'm afraid because I don't know what's happening right now, I don't know where things will go from here, I don't know why I'm not acting in faith anyway, and I dont' know why I've let myself fail the way I have. I guess it all comes down to discipline. I'm definitely a weak, weak, immature, growing Christian, and a lonely, broken, scared little girl. He's shown me the light so many times, He's shown me how great my life is in Him so many times, He's shown me how much He just loves me so many times, but I still don't know why I fall and fail to simply follow Him, over and over again. I don't know why I don't try hard to stay there with Him, I don't know why I continue to let myself trip and fall back over and over again. I don't know why I don't make the effort to improve myself to be more Christ-like, when obviously, that's all I could ever ask for. Maybe it's because I'm human, but it's got to be more than that. There's something that's just so incredibly wrong with me that just won't go away, and it's terrifying. All the answers to all these doubts are probably so simple and straight-forward, too. Knowing God's word and just knowing the truth and praying and listening, and all of that really basic, fundamental stuff.. right? Why don't I ever learn???!!!!?!?!!?!!!! Everything is just so simple, why don't I ever listen? ??? Why?

I'm just so crushed, Grace, I don't deserve to go on missions this summer. I dont' think I know how to act. All I know is how to feel, how to speak, how to weep. Loving extravagantly, loving openly, loving expressively,.. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to act from my heart.

There is a lump in the back of my throat that is making it incredibly painful to drink this very plain cup of soymilk.

Your letter made me cry, smile, and laugh!
I love you so much!!!!
Daeun

Up is Down (1969)

2009-06-22T23:54:17Z

Up is Down (1969) written, designed, and directed by Millie Goldsholl

Those experts, treatments, and opposite views are absolutely terrifying!$K JR3ltaekdlf

everything is about sleep

2009-06-20T16:16:44Z

toothpastefordinner.com

Lol. I know this old comic is supposed to make fun of early birds but I can't help but see it the other way as well (true loser/loner in me)
...
WHY has this thought not occurred to me before?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???? Am I really that plain stupid?!?! -_-.
I genuinely enjoyed waking up ever so slowly to go grocery shopping alone before drawing class (the one time I ever did wake up extremely early).. so then why has it never occured to me that I could actually enjoy that every day? ugh sigh Lol

Better late than never :) aha

doubting again

2009-06-18T07:38:24Z

Time to finish everything I've ever started.. if I can

edit-
I feel that I am more constricted in being myself at home than I am in being myself in New York. That might be an obvious thought I shouldn't even have to point out to anyone or myself, but I didn't think that I would come home to realize that I'm lonelier here now than I ever was before. And I didn't think that that was supposed to happen, but maybe that's supposed to be obvious and obviously inevitable, too.

Not having my license is a definite part of it. Not having made myself really available or communicable this past year is a definite part of it. There's a lot, going back to a lot more, that is all a definite part of it. The way I am and the way I am not is a definite part of it, but I'm still a little bit confused and troubled by this all.

Honestly, what am I ever going to do with these?

I never wake up before 9 unless it's for church/school

2009-06-10T14:59:15Z

I wonder for how long this will be the exact description of my life

Wow. I'm on livejournal surfing, avoiding facebook, and on gtalk chatting, avoiding gmail. And I'm on my laptop procrastinating, avoiding SLEEP. Why am I just so incredibly messed up?

Today at 2AM, I reminisced about eating so many bagels in New York. We'd all sit at out computers, eating bagels and drinking juice/coffee during break of morning classes, getting the last bit of our projects finished as if it was some retarded Parsons ritual. So I made myself a cream cheese and jelly bagel. I named half of it Mapi after Mapi's and the other half of it Murray after Murray's, and ate it with the Kool-Aid I found in the fridge. I'm so bad at telling stories.

To someplace

2009-06-06T13:16:01Z

Nothing really excites me anymore. I'm so unexcited about things I should be excited about. Not that I'm uninspired, but that my heart is just kind of drooping now. This is small and all this is no good, I know. I only want to go on a very long train ride with someone as aloof as I am.

it's so dry here

2009-06-04T11:43:27Z

It's crazy how disasters like the crash of Air France flight 447 still occur. Reading about it feels strange, as if it really couldn't and shouldn't have happened, even though it did in that small possibility that it could. And when I keep thinking about airplanes and crashes and then the sky and the sea, it makes me feel so weary because I think that that kind of fate, of being both peaceful and destructive, is a really pretty sort of tragedy.

Snapped a photo on my flight back to California (during spring break, when my flight arrived at 5 in the morning) This is my dream world! Endless clouds upon clouds under the entire open and empty sky

Anyway, my home here is so still. Nothing really has changed at all, and I guess I actually depend on and find comfort in that.

This is an old post from crushes

g,
I realized the other day, that when I’m around you is the only time I really smile. And I don’t just smile. I have this closet full of smiles that I’d never had good reason to use before. When I’m around other people, I smile when I know I should be smiling. But with you, I smile because I couldn’t do anything else, even if I wanted to.
— s

that is not, but could be, mine

ramble on aim

2009-05-28T21:17:47Z

Aw, I really did miss being on AIM. I was always online in high school, didn't really have a life outside of it (ok. at all), but this year it's been the complete opposite. Not that I had a NYC Parsons party student social life, haha ew no, but I really spent my year the complete opposite of what I used to do for years before. I almost never went on AIM, only checked Facebook like once a week and then never replied to anyone's messages until months after, literally bingeing&purging on comments/wallposts, haha. It's so weird. Such a complete difference, I really don't even understand how it turned out that way, but I'm so glad to finally know how much I missed chatting on AIM. hahahah. corny. I can finally go back and chat online at home just like I used to a year ago (with the people who still aren't home yet or in NY, I guess lol) aww hahahahaha :) I still need to overcome my phone-phobia though.. Gahrhalksdjf too difficult and nerve-wracking. And I don't think anyone would want to put up with so much awkwardness in one phone call just to help me out. Not being able to see someone's face while trying to really speak to them is still SO DIFFICULT. I never know when I should start speaking, because I can't tell when they're pausing or finishing their thought.!!! hahahhaa At least online they have the "-- is typing. / -- has entered text." hahahha I had a really cool conversation with an english major today. So.. funky

I'M FINALLY BOARDING AFTER WAITING 23.25 HOURS AHHH YESESSYEYEYSYSES

i want cheesecake

2009-05-28T14:51:39Z

I need to brush my teeeeeethh but the restroom water here is so strange. There are so many people sitting around me now, it makes me feel like a complete dork when they watch me play on Typeracer :( I am SO JITTERY. Too much Dunkin' Donuts coffee. For the past ... four hours, I've been forcing myself to stay on Facebook doing whatever I could to stay awake, chatting with a couple of awesome people online, video chatting with my mother/brother, and listening to the same song on repeat. My back/butt/calves are aching, my stomach's viciously growling, and my eyelids are droop droop droop droop droop droop drooooping.

But I'm having a very good time. AHahahah yeah. 7 more hours to go!!! It'll be fine, I think I'll doodle some more now.

clazzone @ 2009-05-28T07:06:00

2009-05-28T11:52:13Z

Before I write about how my summer's been so far, here's a little sneak peak into the friendship that is mine and Sujung's. Future roommate and devil of my life.

me: yeah of course its important
surfsupsooj: haha........omg you dumbfuck
'haha
me: hahahah YOU TOO
gosh both of us together , were like infinitely retarded
surfsupsooj: i came u
i got a conclusion that
you're more retarded than i am
me: u?
oh up
hahahahaha
htat's not a conclusion
surfsupsooj: it is
me: that's tooootally biased!
LOL
surfsupsooj: you should admit
it
whatever
me: hahahahaha
me: so
go to sleep
now
surfsupsooj: i'm worrying about the
future fire
and the folder
me: you're so dumb
dont waste your time on that stuff
HAHA
..nonsense
surfsupsooj: x-(
me: whatever
<3
surfsupsooj: haha........cute..
but doesn't matter

surfsupsooj: furfle
my dad's gonna wake uf soon
i gotta hide
bye grace
have a safe flight and think about how sorry you are for me
during the whole flight
me: LOLOLOL
HALSKDJFA;KEF
HAHAHHAAHHA
HAHAHA
BABO GATEUN NOM
goodnight
surfsupsooj: don't be retarded anymore
me: yeah you too
surfsupsooj: there isn't a way to be more retarded
me: HAHA
surfsupsooj: for you
me: that sounds so stupid
just go to sleep
surfsupsooj: shut uf
i'm just hiding from my dad
me: you're such a loser
hahahahahah

surfsupsooj: anyway gotta go gotta go
regret your life
byebye
:)
<3 dumbfucking fuck
me: LOL
I HATE YOU
surfsupsooj: i know
bye

What a cow.

haha anyway, it's 7:40 am and I've been stuck at the JFK airport for the past 13 hours! No surprise that I missed my flight by 15 minutes and no surprise that I'm pulling yet another all-nighter to catch my flight. My flight's at 6pm so I've gotta stay awake until then, but I've had a pretty darn good time so far HAHA. I'm finally catching up facebook & email! hahaha so sad. Anyway, I made an awesome new friend while stuck here AHA so funny but amazing. I've been people-watching, doodling, chatting, blahblahblah and I'm really glad to have had this totally spontaneous free time :) hehe Too bad my face's been breaking out like mad. I've been given the weirdest stares and glances, and my butt's been sore like never before.

cheez-its + wheat thins + fruit juice + peanut butter m&m's + bagel + dunkin' donuts coffee
ugh why is airport food so expensive

so empty at 1-3. Now it's crowded and I'm starting to feel awkward again

i love the park

2009-05-21T23:23:56Z

This second semester, every time I had an assignment/project/final to do, I over-planned, over-thought, and over-procrastinated on it until it would get me into trouble. Not that I didn't want to do any work, but that I wanted to do soo much since we were actually given freedom in the work we were doing. Of course I slacked off and of course I took poor care of myself, eating late, eating little, sleeping late, never sleeping, sleeping too much.. somehow everything always came together, but always at a huge cost. I really don't think it's a bad thing, but it's been screwing me over for school, that I would rather stay up until the mornings sitting in the kitchen developing friendships through conversation and laughter than coop myself up at my desk working on the homework due the next day (like my roommate always did :x). I hate ending up in that stupid situation, the ridiculously pathetic crunch-time that only makes me panic when I have less than 3 hours left until the work is duuuueee. I hate that I constantly let myself fall into those situations over and over again, never learning from any of my previous mistakes. I mean, I do, but I'm just never willingly cautious enough to avoid getting stuck.. even though I should be old enough to be smarter than that (explanation to previous post, aha)

Hahaha, my desk during finals

Yesterday, I FINALLY went shopping for summer clothes, and I'm crazed to be living so close to such awesome stores haha. It was literally the first time since spring break that I spent money on myself for something other than art supplies, food, and the subway, and it felt so STRANGE. Anyway, I've finally moved out (we got kicked out of the dorms the day after school ended) and moved all of my stuff into Hana's apartment for the summer. I go home on the 27th and on the 6th, I'll come back to get ready to leave for missions in FRICKIN- Switzerland. Sophomore year starts on the first? but I'm moving into my apartment on the 16th. WHAAAT;WLKASDKFJHlkjhasdf since when did my life become so packed and.. interesting?! haha, crazy. This past year's been insane.

clazzone @ 2009-05-15T08:20:00

2009-05-15T12:21:15Z

I hate myself sooo much. Such a constant disappointment.

FINALS

2009-05-10T10:49:18Z

Here it is, finally. FINALS WEEK, YOU'RE GOING TO MURDER ME

I haven't been looking forward to this last week of school at all, but I haven't been dreading it either. It's been a ridiculously comfortable and uncomfortable struggle to get through the year, and I'm ecstatic to have survived 50% of foundation year. I say 50% because right now, it feels like the final projects alone are so heavy, full of work equal to everything we've done over the year put together. yayayayay, so yes, it is the other 50%. Ummmmm it's 7am and all of the sentences I've been saying lately haven't been making any sense at all, so maybe I shouldn't write either.

6 of 15 spreads for my 2d final project, a narrative on the hour of 2AM

all that photoshopping made me want to puke but it'll somehow get me an A because my teacher loves that stuff. sigh. she loves grunge brushes as well, but no way in the world would I ever use those EVER

my last 3d project

my next 3d project... the body as theater in an "autobiographical garment of personal vision or state of mind"
shoot, this has taken me 3 weeks to develop in concept alone QQ

doodle from winter break. lol

doodles during lab

these things don't really have much purpose! :/

So, my goal/resolution for the time after I finish my finals is to DAILY make the effort to go on facebook and aim and gmail and RESPOND to all the people who have been trying to friggin CONTACT me for the past 5 months of my life. SIGHASDFJDKLS I'm so terrible but I've been given so many second chances lately, it really makes me tear up

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light, and the red balloon.
Just kidding, the sun's already out and I'm further from sleep than I am from home