Haven't said much in a while..

I want out of this non-stop destructive cycle! Every new week is exactly the same as the last! Day to day, hour to hour! I don't even understand how I finally managed to keep a regular cycle of living with my circadian rhythm disorder (haha, seriously), but it doesn't feel healthy at all. It feels like a test of mental, emotional, physical, spiritual survival every day for every week. With each week I get through level-headed enough, genuine satisfaction feels more and more dry. Dry like salt, but salt's a different story. It's not time or food or sleep or grades or social status (because I have none and that's cool with me) or clothes or having fun (I don't have fun) or learning even. I need light, positive, uplifting, joy.

I've got to stop sitting here thinking about what I wish I could think about, which is a little strange. This week is going to drive me insAAAne. I don't really think I've ever experienced an anxiety attack before, but I feel I am getting pretty close to knowing how terrorizing anxiety actually feels. Actually, no, I'm pretty good at being mellow when I'm not supposed to be. One person told me to stop looking so damn somber and another that I had a very stoic expression for a young..girl.. person. Pah. I don't/can't even think straight anymore. I have to constantly write down notes and lists in books to keep track of the very important, normal, and unimportant things that I need to care about. I can't even keep up with them all, more than half the things in my lists never get crossed out until months later :'( It's not apathy, I promise! Please don't hate me

I want to lie down and rest.

I really just need a baked potato today
BLHAHewhdjaf;jwd


What a sorry rose
I have so much to read tomorrow. I've got to call my mother back soon. I've still got to buy myself a chair. Why is Wendy's so far away!?!!!!!

Just made myself an omu-rice. rice omlette? omlette with rice. Man, I miss the home of my old and boring everydays

Every sunday for the past month, I haven't been able to wake up early enough to take the shuttle with all the other city kids, and I always end up taking the lirr to church by myself. I absolutely love this time of the week, I absolutely love these train rides to myself. There's just something so magical about moving any which way by a force uncontrollable to me. Train rides, flights, road trips, floating in the ocean, falling. It's the forward movement that is so well the equidistance of the travels I take in my head when I space out/day dream/and just let my mind wander. These sundays are the times that I'm able to talk to the people I would otherwise never be in the moment to meet, like the kids at the back of the sanctuary, the custodians at penn station, the lady on her way to Trenton. I'm about an hour late to church and while I should feel guilty and sorry, I can't bring myself to feel anything but satisfied, hahaha.

Fucus vesiculosus var. linearis
from
Ocean Flowers: Anna Atkins's Cyanotypes of British Algae

Embryonic stars in the Small Magellanic Cloud and nebula NGC 346
from
Terry Hope's Spacecam

Tonight, I am going to:
bake and eat my sweet potato with my saltine crackers and goober, clip and take the color off of my nails, wash and intensely condition my hair, change the bandage on my disgusting toe, finish painting all 25 croquis, plan my day of errands tomorrow, email my teachers, download some more folktronica/psychadelic folk, scan some more books, search for chairs on craigslist, browse the WWD, WGSN, and NYPL digital galleries before I go to bed, fall asleep watching The Life Aquatic, and sleep at least 5 hours from a pleasantly exhausting day.

Hello hello. Here are a few spreads from the moleskine I'm trying to fill up to give to Brian. Hadn't done much art or anything over the summer, but I didn't completely give into the laziness either.

( synthesis )

I have to continually remind myself that there is no discipline in using a pencil.

Finally getting internet soon!!!! Sooj and I are almost fully moved in. All I need now are random wooden chairs and red desk legs from Ikea.

I don't really know why I am so 'MIA,' or maybe I just can't explain it because I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't make sense to me either. The point to the jumble in my head is that now, I probably have the most catching up to do (on the internet) that I have ever had.. to do? I've got some photos to help fill in though, eheh. Not good enough, I know. It's so dumb that going on the internet, tumblr, facebook, whatever, always ends up making me so angry and apathetic about.. almost everyone, including myself. It doesn't make any senseeee help meee

( nothing exciting )

So dull. Baldwin Beach at Lake Tahoe is great.

I need to brush my teeeeeethh but the restroom water here is so strange. There are so many people sitting around me now, it makes me feel like a complete dork when they watch me play on Typeracer :( I am SO JITTERY. Too much Dunkin' Donuts coffee. For the past ... four hours, I've been forcing myself to stay on Facebook doing whatever I could to stay awake, chatting with a couple of awesome people online, video chatting with my mother/brother, and listening to the same song on repeat. My back/butt/calves are aching, my stomach's viciously growling, and my eyelids are droop droop droop droop droop droop drooooping.

But I'm having a very good time. AHahahah yeah. 7 more hours to go!!! It'll be fine, I think I'll doodle some more now.

Before I write about how my summer's been so far, here's a little sneak peak into the friendship that is mine and Sujung's. Future roommate and devil of my life.

( convo )

haha anyway, it's 7:40 am and I've been stuck at the JFK airport for the past 13 hours! No surprise that I missed my flight by 15 minutes and no surprise that I'm pulling yet another all-nighter to catch my flight. My flight's at 6pm so I've gotta stay awake until then, but I've had a pretty darn good time so far HAHA. I'm finally catching up facebook & email! hahaha so sad. Anyway, I made an awesome new friend while stuck here AHA so funny but amazing. I've been people-watching, doodling, chatting, blahblahblah and I'm really glad to have had this totally spontaneous free time :) hehe Too bad my face's been breaking out like mad. I've been given the weirdest stares and glances, and my butt's been sore like never before.


cheez-its + wheat thins + fruit juice + peanut butter m&m's + bagel + dunkin' donuts coffee
ugh why is airport food so expensive


so empty at 1-3. Now it's crowded and I'm starting to feel awkward again

This second semester, every time I had an assignment/project/final to do, I over-planned, over-thought, and over-procrastinated on it until it would get me into trouble. Not that I didn't want to do any work, but that I wanted to do soo much since we were actually given freedom in the work we were doing. Of course I slacked off and of course I took poor care of myself, eating late, eating little, sleeping late, never sleeping, sleeping too much.. somehow everything always came together, but always at a huge cost. I really don't think it's a bad thing, but it's been screwing me over for school, that I would rather stay up until the mornings sitting in the kitchen developing friendships through conversation and laughter than coop myself up at my desk working on the homework due the next day (like my roommate always did :x). I hate ending up in that stupid situation, the ridiculously pathetic crunch-time that only makes me panic when I have less than 3 hours left until the work is duuuueee. I hate that I constantly let myself fall into those situations over and over again, never learning from any of my previous mistakes. I mean, I do, but I'm just never willingly cautious enough to avoid getting stuck.. even though I should be old enough to be smarter than that (explanation to previous post, aha)


Hahaha, my desk during finals

Yesterday, I FINALLY went shopping for summer clothes, and I'm crazed to be living so close to such awesome stores haha. It was literally the first time since spring break that I spent money on myself for something other than art supplies, food, and the subway, and it felt so STRANGE. Anyway, I've finally moved out (we got kicked out of the dorms the day after school ended) and moved all of my stuff into Hana's apartment for the summer. I go home on the 27th and on the 6th, I'll come back to get ready to leave for missions in FRICKIN- Switzerland. Sophomore year starts on the first? but I'm moving into my apartment on the 16th. WHAAAT;WLKASDKFJHlkjhasdf since when did my life become so packed and.. interesting?! haha, crazy. This past year's been insane.

Here it is, finally. FINALS WEEK, YOU'RE GOING TO MURDER ME

I haven't been looking forward to this last week of school at all, but I haven't been dreading it either. It's been a ridiculously comfortable and uncomfortable struggle to get through the year, and I'm ecstatic to have survived 50% of foundation year. I say 50% because right now, it feels like the final projects alone are so heavy, full of work equal to everything we've done over the year put together. yayayayay, so yes, it is the other 50%. Ummmmm it's 7am and all of the sentences I've been saying lately haven't been making any sense at all, so maybe I shouldn't write either.

( finals work in progress +other )

So, my goal/resolution for the time after I finish my finals is to DAILY make the effort to go on facebook and aim and gmail and RESPOND to all the people who have been trying to friggin CONTACT me for the past 5 months of my life. SIGHASDFJDKLS I'm so terrible but I've been given so many second chances lately, it really makes me tear up

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light, and the red balloon.
Just kidding, the sun's already out and I'm further from sleep than I am from home