http://www.jinjoohwang.com/6

"'Not to find one's way in a city may well be uninteresting and banal. It requires ignorance- nothing more,' says the twentieth-century philosopher-essayist Walter Benjamin. 'But to lose oneself in a city- as one loses oneself in a forest- that calls for quite a different schooling.' To lose yourself: a voluptuous surrender, lost in your arms, lost to the world, utterly immersed in what is present so that its surroundings fade away. In Benjamin's terms, to be lost is to be fully present, and to be fully present is to be capable of being in uncertainty and mystery. And one does not get lost but loses oneself, with the implication that it is a conscious choice, a chosen surrender, a psychic state achievable through geography."
Rebecca Solnit: A Field Guide to Getting Lost

"It is a surprising and memorable, as well as valuable experience, to be lost in the woods any time. Often in a snow-storm, even by day, one will come out upon a well-known road and yet find it impossible to tell which way leads to the village. Though he knows that he has travelled it a thousand times, he cannot recognize a feature in it, but it is as strange to him as if it were a road in Siberia. By night, of course, the perplexity is infinitely greater. In our most trivial walks, we are constantly, though unconsciously, steering like pilots by certain well-known beacons and headlands, and if we go beyond our usual course we still carry in our minds the bearing of some neighboring cape; and not till we are completely lost, or turned round — for a man needs only to be turned round once with his eyes shut in this world to be lost — do we appreciate the vastness and strangeness of nature. Every man has to learn the points of compass again as often as he awakes, whether from sleep or any abstraction. Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations."
Henry David Thoreau: Walden

I don't really know why I am so 'MIA,' or maybe I just can't explain it because I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't make sense to me either. The point to the jumble in my head is that now, I probably have the most catching up to do (on the internet) that I have ever had.. to do? I've got some photos to help fill in though, eheh. Not good enough, I know. It's so dumb that going on the internet, tumblr, facebook, whatever, always ends up making me so angry and apathetic about.. almost everyone, including myself. It doesn't make any senseeee help meee

( nothing exciting )

So dull. Baldwin Beach at Lake Tahoe is great.

It's crazy how disasters like the crash of Air France flight 447 still occur. Reading about it feels strange, as if it really couldn't and shouldn't have happened, even though it did in that small possibility that it could. And when I keep thinking about airplanes and crashes and then the sky and the sea, it makes me feel so weary because I think that that kind of fate, of being both peaceful and destructive, is a really pretty sort of tragedy.


Snapped a photo on my flight back to California (during spring break, when my flight arrived at 5 in the morning) This is my dream world! Endless clouds upon clouds under the entire open and empty sky

Anyway, my home here is so still. Nothing really has changed at all, and I guess I actually depend on and find comfort in that.

This is an old post from crushes

g,
I realized the other day, that when I’m around you is the only time I really smile. And I don’t just smile. I have this closet full of smiles that I’d never had good reason to use before. When I’m around other people, I smile when I know I should be smiling. But with you, I smile because I couldn’t do anything else, even if I wanted to.
— s

that is not, but could be, mine

Before I write about how my summer's been so far, here's a little sneak peak into the friendship that is mine and Sujung's. Future roommate and devil of my life.

( convo )

haha anyway, it's 7:40 am and I've been stuck at the JFK airport for the past 13 hours! No surprise that I missed my flight by 15 minutes and no surprise that I'm pulling yet another all-nighter to catch my flight. My flight's at 6pm so I've gotta stay awake until then, but I've had a pretty darn good time so far HAHA. I'm finally catching up facebook & email! hahaha so sad. Anyway, I made an awesome new friend while stuck here AHA so funny but amazing. I've been people-watching, doodling, chatting, blahblahblah and I'm really glad to have had this totally spontaneous free time :) hehe Too bad my face's been breaking out like mad. I've been given the weirdest stares and glances, and my butt's been sore like never before.


cheez-its + wheat thins + fruit juice + peanut butter m&m's + bagel + dunkin' donuts coffee
ugh why is airport food so expensive


so empty at 1-3. Now it's crowded and I'm starting to feel awkward again

This second semester, every time I had an assignment/project/final to do, I over-planned, over-thought, and over-procrastinated on it until it would get me into trouble. Not that I didn't want to do any work, but that I wanted to do soo much since we were actually given freedom in the work we were doing. Of course I slacked off and of course I took poor care of myself, eating late, eating little, sleeping late, never sleeping, sleeping too much.. somehow everything always came together, but always at a huge cost. I really don't think it's a bad thing, but it's been screwing me over for school, that I would rather stay up until the mornings sitting in the kitchen developing friendships through conversation and laughter than coop myself up at my desk working on the homework due the next day (like my roommate always did :x). I hate ending up in that stupid situation, the ridiculously pathetic crunch-time that only makes me panic when I have less than 3 hours left until the work is duuuueee. I hate that I constantly let myself fall into those situations over and over again, never learning from any of my previous mistakes. I mean, I do, but I'm just never willingly cautious enough to avoid getting stuck.. even though I should be old enough to be smarter than that (explanation to previous post, aha)


Hahaha, my desk during finals

Yesterday, I FINALLY went shopping for summer clothes, and I'm crazed to be living so close to such awesome stores haha. It was literally the first time since spring break that I spent money on myself for something other than art supplies, food, and the subway, and it felt so STRANGE. Anyway, I've finally moved out (we got kicked out of the dorms the day after school ended) and moved all of my stuff into Hana's apartment for the summer. I go home on the 27th and on the 6th, I'll come back to get ready to leave for missions in FRICKIN- Switzerland. Sophomore year starts on the first? but I'm moving into my apartment on the 16th. WHAAAT;WLKASDKFJHlkjhasdf since when did my life become so packed and.. interesting?! haha, crazy. This past year's been insane.

Before I came home for break, I opened my freezer to find this little guy just CHILLIN' hahahaha ha ha.. so cute so cute!

Okay. I can't help but guess at everyone's personality colors, ever since I took that True Colors personality test in yearbook, junior year. Anyone I meet, anyone I see, anyone I know and love and want to get to know better, I take guesses at whether they're blue or green or gold or orange, or a mix of two with one more dominant over the other. And then I observe! I watch, I listen, I act and take in their reactions but without really meaning to, I promise! It's awesome when I'm right, it's better when I'm not, and I love love love seeing the similar traits that everyone shares but also the ways in which everyone is different from each other in them. It's alienating but comforting and so large but so close.
I'm always so out of it because all this stuff runs through my head and I can't help but think about things as they happen, even though I don't think that I'm really.. supposed.. to.


http://www.baekdal.com/Design/Interior-Design/rock-cushions
Livingstones rock pillows for my future bestroom apartment (let me dream!). If we can't have couches, we'll have these yessssah

I don't know why I'm still up even though it's not very late. I'm tired though hmmmmm hahah okay no more

My new year's resolution would be to correct my terrible sleeping habits and be a little more gentle with everything. Maybe I'll stop being such a clumsy, exhausted, unhealthy little girl who ends up falling asleep and zoning out and daydreaming every other minute. Maybe it'll help me start concentrating on things I need to get done a lot faster and help me not be so slow at everything I do. I'll be able to manage my time better and I'd have time to actually relax once in a while, with no worries on my mind at all. I actually don't worry that much here, much much less than I did in high school, but my stupid nervous habits haven't quit yet so I guess that means I'm still stressed out or something. Do you know how bad my sleeping habits are? Yesterday I went to sleep at 7AM and woke up at 11PM when I was supposed to wake up at 10AM... I woke up so angry and disappointed in myself but I've been hard at work on my FINAL 3D SELF-PORTRAIT PROJECT to make up for the time I completely lost. The next two and a half weeks are going are going to be complete painful sleepy exhausted hurried stuffed dead-brained jittery HELL, working on final projects and presentations, but finally being able to go home on the 24th (sigh) will make up for EVERYTHING, I promise myself it will! It's really frustrating that my drawing teacher is keeping my doodle-book for a week? but I've got another half week to go without it.. all my ideas and doodles and frustrations are in there, and it's hard not to have them with me to keep my head in the right place hahaha. I hate that I sliced part of my THUMB off.. and not some other finger. Thumbs are freaking important. It's cool that I had my first visit to the emergency room, though, and even though everyone else was panicking about my finger even though I really didn't think it was totally necessary to go to the ER for a cut, I was so happy about going to the ER and being able to sign my own release forms! You know why? Cuz I'm 18 now! hahahhahaha


BEGINNING. yeah I was bored at 6am and no one was awake to entertain me so what
WHY DOES my face never change but at the same time always change from picture to picture?!
I don't think I'm going to get much sleep this week. I feel like I'm always repeating myself; how annoying.

A large part of me wishes I could go back home and have everything be the way it was when I left it all a couple months ago, but the other part of me already knew that that would have never been possible.

yesterday i woke up at 7pm
i stayed up for 17 hours without any naps
time now:
12 pm, noon

CHOICE A
take a nap: 3 hours to 6 hours
wake up time: ~3pm to ~6pm
but i need to do so much homework:
finish work in 6 hours: sleep at 9pm to 12am
but there is large group (3hrs): sleep at 12pm- 3am=i’ll get some sleep for the first monday night ever
get sleep later
come home after 9 hours of classes at 6pm
=no sleep for 9 hours which is good
some energy, go to sleep at 12am
=crash for 12 hours, wake up before 12 in time for class
decent sleep, gooooood homework


CHOICE B
sleep: 6 hours to 12 hours
wake up time: ~6pm to ~12am
but i need to do so much homework:
finish work in 6 hours: sleep at 12am to 6am=no sleep for 18 hours
but there is large group (3hrs): sleep at 3am to 9am=will never finish hw
get sleep now
come home after 9 hours of classes at 6pm
=no sleep for 27 hours which is not good
no energy, go to sleep right after school
=crash for 18 hours, wake up before 12 in time for class
gooooooood sleep, decent homework


CHOICE C
don't take a nap: stay awake for 3 to 6 hours doing homework
take a nap/sleep: 6 hours
but i need to do so much homework:
wake up at 9pm to 12am
finish work in 6 hours: sleep at 3am to 6am=no sleep
but there is large group (3hrs): sleep at 6am=no sleep and i'll never finish hw
get sleep later but not really
come home after 9 hours of classes at 6pm
=no sleep for 15 hours which is decent
some energy, go to sleep at 12am
=crash for 12 hours, wake up before 12 in time for class
decent sleep, decent homework



ugh
THIS IS ON MY MIND ALL THE TIME


---


35 photos/scans: ( So what have I been up to lately? )

sorry the scanning is so bad haha. Joy's scanner sucks (<3) and photoshopping them all got really tedious so some of them look really .. bad :)

2nd post in one sitting! I just want to get this updating over with before I have to go back to unending schoolwork for another 4 weeks. Most of these are from a looong time ago, maybe September-October?

18 photos
( 2d and some photos from Lab )

just one more to go