My roommate gives me so much attitude that is always completely uncalled for. She never steps down from her high and mighty throne of prescribed happy-meds, anti-christianity sentiment, and self-glorification of unending sacrifice.
The majority of her tone of voice and respect to me is that I'm just a joke she's permanently stuck with. I really just cannot stand her attitude towards me.
She truly believes that she deserves so much better than what she currently has and maybe that's true. In her eyes, I'm incredibly immature and irresponsible, unlucky and as dumb as dirt. ... I know I'm not that terrible.
But I also know that at one point in my life I was as proud and arrogant as she was and that I had the same, if not worse, attitude towards my parents that she has towards me. I wonder for how long I'll put myself up to dealing with her whining, grudges, and silent treatments. For some reason I'm still willing to live with her next year even though she makes me want to weep in rage and tear up all her tights. It's biting cold outside and she still wears only tights and shorts. wow.
Sometimes I wish she'd kill me/herself like she always says she will, drop out, or go ahead and just ditch me as a friend, but after all of that foolishness I really just hope that sooner or later, she'll come around to being happy. Happy like Lina is happy. Happy like my family makes me happy. Happy like the only happiness in the world. ... Happy's such an ugly looking word..
What angers me the most is that while she's so competitive with attention and better-ness, it's always about who had the worse day, who slept the least, who spent more time in the lab, who has more work to do. Whoever has more problems or frustrations deserves more respect and awe (it couldn't possibly ever be me), and it makes absolutely no sense at all.
Sigh. Let me never run out of patience for her because I would very much appreciate the same.

Every sunday for the past month, I haven't been able to wake up early enough to take the shuttle with all the other city kids, and I always end up taking the lirr to church by myself. I absolutely love this time of the week, I absolutely love these train rides to myself. There's just something so magical about moving any which way by a force uncontrollable to me. Train rides, flights, road trips, floating in the ocean, falling. It's the forward movement that is so well the equidistance of the travels I take in my head when I space out/day dream/and just let my mind wander. These sundays are the times that I'm able to talk to the people I would otherwise never be in the moment to meet, like the kids at the back of the sanctuary, the custodians at penn station, the lady on her way to Trenton. I'm about an hour late to church and while I should feel guilty and sorry, I can't bring myself to feel anything but satisfied, hahaha.

Fucus vesiculosus var. linearis
from
Ocean Flowers: Anna Atkins's Cyanotypes of British Algae

Embryonic stars in the Small Magellanic Cloud and nebula NGC 346
from
Terry Hope's Spacecam

Tonight, I am going to:
bake and eat my sweet potato with my saltine crackers and goober, clip and take the color off of my nails, wash and intensely condition my hair, change the bandage on my disgusting toe, finish painting all 25 croquis, plan my day of errands tomorrow, email my teachers, download some more folktronica/psychadelic folk, scan some more books, search for chairs on craigslist, browse the WWD, WGSN, and NYPL digital galleries before I go to bed, fall asleep watching The Life Aquatic, and sleep at least 5 hours from a pleasantly exhausting day.

I don't mean this for anybody but myself. I re-read my livejournal and diaries once- ok. twice or three times- in a while, so this I think, will be good for me. I suppose that it'd also be good for me to actually be thoroughly honest to those who actually read my entries/care, once in a while haha.

(If you're gonna read it, you'd better read all of it)

( This is an e-mail/letter that I wrote to one of my church/college Christian fellowship small group members, Grace Rhee. )

Something about taking care of people, my friends more specifically, makes me really anxious to be a mother and a wife in the future. I love looking after them and making sure they're alright and comfortable, even though I'm very much looked after by others maybe more than I should be. I guess I just really like that feeling of being depended on, of being important and being needed.. even if just a little bit, and even if it's rare. Obviously, I can't even take care of myself at most times, but sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter as long as I'm able to help someone else out.


Here are some of my 1st sem. drawings from drawing class and whatnot. I don't have many from 2nd sem. since my drawing teacher hasn't returned ANY of my pieces (-___- sadly), but yeah. Here's what my practice has been lately..

( Read more... )

Andrew's been over, visiting Elijah and me in NYC for the past week. He leaves tomorrow afternoon, and it's been good :) Didn't get to spend as much time with him as I think he hoped.. :( I guess he's finally seen me in my new habitattt, lifeless, boring, sour, apathetic at times, and overexcited, rushed, childish, inexplicably cheery, still the same at other times. Haha I don't know, I guess I've picked up a totally new lifestyle here but I definitely don't think I've changed. Who am I to say that though, right? haha. No pictures yet, but then again it's 6AM and I shouldn't even be on the internet anyway. I've got a nasty headache though, so I'm gonna goooooo!

.......... Why isn't there a 'go earlier' link on my friends page?! AHhhhhh, I finally changed my livejournal layout. I have to stop thinking that my livejournal is my paper diary, then I won't be so wary of writing anything in here and keep absolutely everything to myself alllllllll the time. I don't really know where to start though... I left off so long ago. Why is it that every time I write a post in this blog, I can't think of any other way to start off a sentence but with "I..."?! and why is it that every time I write in my tumblr (once a month ahaha), I never write more than a few incomplete/sometimes complete sentences, while everyone else feels so free to write out heaps?! I get so annoyed at tumblr now, since almost everyone I'm following (meaning everyone, who I somewhat or barely knew from my high school or recently met in college, following me) basically just reposts some COOL NEW INTERESTING website/article/photo that everyone else already posted and it's tiresome since I've already seen it on the web a couple times before because I'm a retard who surfs the internet waaay more than I should. There's so much incredible information and so many pictures of the WORLD out there I love it I love it. I always write the most about useless things, or if it's interesting at all, I always just condense it.

I'm a female Scorpio, year of the horse, blood type O, blue/gold True Color, INFJ Jungian personality type. hahahahahahaha sooooo funnny, I wonder if any of the descriptions align with each other at all. http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infj/ hoorah

One thing I'll say though, is that I can't stop thinking about 'falling in love' and getting married. I don't know what I'd do about college/career/any of that, but I guess I really just want to get married to someone who I literally want to spend the rest of my life with and finally start to genuinely and fully open up to someone other than myself and my paper diaries. I don't really know why I want to have a husband and not just want a boyfriend like alllll my friendsssssss dooooooo, but the idea of dating to me has always been really foreign and weird. Maybe it has to do with how much I'm willing to trust someone with so much of my heart, which is why I find myself holding back a lot of my thoughts and being so quiet, but.. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel so different from everyone else once. a. gain. hahaha. I feel weird writing this in my livejournal, but I guess it should be good.

I had an awesome day today, ending it watching Paprika with Liz and reading some more on astrology and dreams/dreaming. That stuff is all really so bizarre and enchanting. So good & no good for a dreamer like me. I really have to get my endless thoughts straight and laid out; still sorting things through and thinking about me vs. the world and everything in & out of it.

I love this place and time of my mind that I'm in, but as usual, I've been keeping it all to myself. Sigh, wish I were a phone person, then I wouldn't feel so far away.

I love Jakokoyak, please listen to Jakokoyak!

I, I, I, I. wtf GEEZ what's wrong with me :'(

Before I came home for break, I opened my freezer to find this little guy just CHILLIN' hahahaha ha ha.. so cute so cute!

Okay. I can't help but guess at everyone's personality colors, ever since I took that True Colors personality test in yearbook, junior year. Anyone I meet, anyone I see, anyone I know and love and want to get to know better, I take guesses at whether they're blue or green or gold or orange, or a mix of two with one more dominant over the other. And then I observe! I watch, I listen, I act and take in their reactions but without really meaning to, I promise! It's awesome when I'm right, it's better when I'm not, and I love love love seeing the similar traits that everyone shares but also the ways in which everyone is different from each other in them. It's alienating but comforting and so large but so close.
I'm always so out of it because all this stuff runs through my head and I can't help but think about things as they happen, even though I don't think that I'm really.. supposed.. to.


http://www.baekdal.com/Design/Interior-Design/rock-cushions
Livingstones rock pillows for my future bestroom apartment (let me dream!). If we can't have couches, we'll have these yessssah

I don't know why I'm still up even though it's not very late. I'm tired though hmmmmm hahah okay no more

My new year's resolution would be to correct my terrible sleeping habits and be a little more gentle with everything. Maybe I'll stop being such a clumsy, exhausted, unhealthy little girl who ends up falling asleep and zoning out and daydreaming every other minute. Maybe it'll help me start concentrating on things I need to get done a lot faster and help me not be so slow at everything I do. I'll be able to manage my time better and I'd have time to actually relax once in a while, with no worries on my mind at all. I actually don't worry that much here, much much less than I did in high school, but my stupid nervous habits haven't quit yet so I guess that means I'm still stressed out or something. Do you know how bad my sleeping habits are? Yesterday I went to sleep at 7AM and woke up at 11PM when I was supposed to wake up at 10AM... I woke up so angry and disappointed in myself but I've been hard at work on my FINAL 3D SELF-PORTRAIT PROJECT to make up for the time I completely lost. The next two and a half weeks are going are going to be complete painful sleepy exhausted hurried stuffed dead-brained jittery HELL, working on final projects and presentations, but finally being able to go home on the 24th (sigh) will make up for EVERYTHING, I promise myself it will! It's really frustrating that my drawing teacher is keeping my doodle-book for a week? but I've got another half week to go without it.. all my ideas and doodles and frustrations are in there, and it's hard not to have them with me to keep my head in the right place hahaha. I hate that I sliced part of my THUMB off.. and not some other finger. Thumbs are freaking important. It's cool that I had my first visit to the emergency room, though, and even though everyone else was panicking about my finger even though I really didn't think it was totally necessary to go to the ER for a cut, I was so happy about going to the ER and being able to sign my own release forms! You know why? Cuz I'm 18 now! hahahhahaha


BEGINNING. yeah I was bored at 6am and no one was awake to entertain me so what
WHY DOES my face never change but at the same time always change from picture to picture?!
I don't think I'm going to get much sleep this week. I feel like I'm always repeating myself; how annoying.

A large part of me wishes I could go back home and have everything be the way it was when I left it all a couple months ago, but the other part of me already knew that that would have never been possible.

To you I feel guilty, embarrassed, afraid, so shy, nervous, trouble-hearted, childish, regretful, so lonely now
To you two I feel defensive, a bit envious, spiteful, worrisome, reminiscent, somewhat apathetic, but still caring for what you think of me
To you three I feel ridiculously thankful, loved, remembered, special, important, truly unique for the way you talk to me, treat me, think of me, care for me
To you two I feel silly, comfortably-immature, absent-minded, annoyed, playful, full of laughter, still wishful
To you couple I feel truly blessed, genuinely loved, accepted, comfortable, looked-after, forever in debt for all you've given me
To you all I feel burdened, spiteful, sometimes angry, sometimes loving, thankful in the oddest way, like I'm leaving you behind
To this I feel proud, amazed, excited, hopeful, impatient, full to the brim of anticipation and determination, graced to have my prayers answered
To everything I feel encouraged, optimistic, incredibly awed
Of myself I feel I still have so much more to know and learn and feel and become